When I first started breastfeeding it wasn’t easy. Each week I promised myself I’d do it for one more week. After a few months of this I began to feel like I might just have the hang of it. A few months later I couldn’t understand why anyone would give it up. After all, I made it through blocked ducts, yeast infections, mastitis, cluster feeding and one wretched day where I was tired and dehydrated and my milk just wouldn’t let down. If I could do it, why couldn’t everyone?
I started looking at some of the reasons why other mothers said they couldn’t breastfeed. Some of them I thought “yeah, I might have given up in that situation too.” Others, I thought “excuses, excuses….” And then there were some reasons that completely baffled me. When I read someone on a breastfeeding board say “well, women who have been sexually abused can’t breastfeed,” I thought “wow, I’ve never thought about that.”
And I discovered that lots of women who were sexually abused or raped can and do breastfeed. And there are also lots who can’t – for various reasons. Ones I’ve heard have ranged from fear of exposing themselves to lack of trust in their body.
I don’t think it’s something that most of us think about, including the nurses, lactation consultants, and doctors who provide some of the earliest support for breastfeeding moms.
Other than the time when I first heard this comment and the occasional time since when I’ve heard similar comments, it wasn’t something I thought about.
At least, not until recently. I had my first flashback while nursing my toddler. I woke up from nightmares to find him reaching for me in his sleep.
It turns out I do know a little something about sexual abuse. And I am one of those women who has managed to breastfeed regardless. Of course, repressing the memories for years probably helped.
And the abuse having happened young enough that my breasts weren’t fully developed probably helped too. They weren’t the focus of my abuser, though there have been times since when they’ve received unwanted attention.
But I’m still nursing. Even though sometimes when my little boy reaches out and starts stroking my breast I go into utter panic and flash back to what my abuser did. At the same time, nursing him is also a very grounding experience.
I don’t know if things would have been different if I hadn’t repressed these memories until after my son was born. But I do know that, as a survivor myself, it is possible for a sexually abused woman to breastfeed. In fact, for me, it’s been helpful and has made me trust and value my body despite the way I feel about it and myself sometimes.
There are times when it’s hard – when he touches me and it sends shivers down my spine, or when I see his mouth headed for nipple and his face transforms into that of my abuser.
There are times I don’t trust myself or my body. I feel like the abuse has left me poisoned and evil. I shouldn’t even be allowed to hug a child, let alone nurse one. But when I look at him grow and smile and thrive on MY milk that has come from MY body, it’s one of the most healing moments I have.
Just like yeast infections, mastitis, cluster feeding, colic, and all those other struggles, it is hard, but it’s doable. In fact, it’s more than doable – for me there is no alternative.
Someone who has been sexually abused can breastfeed. Like every other struggle, it depends upon the individual, her circumstances, and the support she has on whether she does or not. But the next time I see someone write “what about women who have been sexually abused?” as an argument against breastfeeding, I will confidently say “what about them? Why is that a reason not to breastfeed?”
Note from Baby-Friendly: This post was submitted by someone who wants to remain anonymous. The writer is a mother of three and is still breastfeeding her youngest. Please be supportive in any comments you leave.
God bless you, and thank you for sharing this. As a midwife and an LC your stories and openness allow me and other professionals to understand and empower birthing and breastfeeding moms. I liked how you used the term “grounding” and “healing.”
We mustn’t judge anyone, even for not BF, but if we can understand them, it’s easier to work with and support them.
thank you again!
This is a wonderful post. Thank-you to the guest blogger. I’m sure there are a lot of women out there who will be able to see themselves in this post and know that they are not alone.
Thank you for sharing this post. I think it is wonderfully written. I am an abuse survivor as well, and I nursed both of my children. I will say that knowledge (studying all breast feeding materials) and support (Lactation consultants, La Leache League, KellyMom.com) were key to my nursing relationship. I would encourage a woman to nurse if she wants to, even if she is a survivor, you can do it, and it was a wonderful experience for me.
thank you for sharing this. and for recognising that it really IS different for each of us. for me, breastfeeding has been remarkably HEALING for me as a survivor. i WAS abused around my breasts, especially as I hit puberty early it was a real focus of abuse. but breastfeeding was about ME using my body the way I chose. it made me feel powerful and safe and capable. so many good things! of course not every survivor has this experience, but some of us DO!
Well done for being open about how you feel. I was abused as a teenager, so my breasts where already developed and a focus of the abuse (amongst other things). However I successfully breastfed both my children and thankfully didn’t suffer any flashbacks, mostly because I was always able to remember what happened to me.
I agree that it can be a healing process, in fact for me it gave me back my power. I was in charge of my body, I was choosing to allow some one else, my child, to have access to my body.
How sexual abuse affects a woman’s potential to breastfeed is something that has to be addressed. I wish you well in the rest of your breastfeeding journey and with your survivor recovery. xxxx
A beautiful post.
I can relate. I am a survivor and I breastfed my daughter for 16 months, then dry nursed her for 2 months in hopes she would continue long enough for my milk to come back in, and now I am still nursing my 12 month old son and I let my toddler latch on for a moment here and there when she wants.
But like you, I had completely repressed the memories of the rapes until I started having flashbacks while changing my daughter’s diapers when she was a newborn. The abuse happened when I was very young and had not developed breasts yet. I feel very lucky that my breasts do not trigger me.
Thank you for sharing. I know I had a few really scary times of nursing my daughter while she was asleep and having a really terrible nightmare at the same time. I woke up and she was on my breast and it was a really awful feeling.
I agree with those who say it can be healing, though. I find it really wonderful to use my breasts to nurture my child and to use them in a way they were designed.
I thought this was a great article until the last line: I will confidently say “what about them? Why is that a reason not to breastfeed?”
The problem with this mindset is expressed in the article. Sexual abuse and how it manifests in the form of reluctance or refusal to breastfeed, and why it manifests are not only extremely case specific, but the abused person may not know why they don’t want to breastfeed. They may not be able to articulate the why, but only know that the thought or even attempted action can send them to a space that nursing their baby cannot take them out of. Worse still, it might even make bonding with their baby through a wonderful experience difficult.
The problem is that your statement comes across as both empowering and dismissive. Because why wouldn’t YOU breastfeed as a victim of abuse is not the same as why wouldn’t someone else. And your experience and ability to overcome psychological barriers is not the same as another persons.
A more helpful (and even respectful) reply would simply to validate that it CAN be more than a challenge like mastitis or plugged ducts, it can be a pervasive psychological trauma that can haunt and possibly hinder them their entire life, BUT that if they are ready to address those issues, overcoming them and finding peace through a gentle and rewarding experience like breastfeeding can help a woman greatly.
And on a simplistic level, the person who brings up sexual abuse as a reason for not breastfeeding might be the person who was abused themselves, and not feel comfortable explaining or justifying why they chose not to feed their baby with breastmilk because of the potential triggering nature of doing so.
That being said, I’m glad you were able to find some peace and healing through your nursing relationship.
I too have sexual abuse in my history, and have found breastfeeding a powerful way to reclaim ownership of my body, and even specifically of my breasts. I had one scary experience when I flashed back to some memories I hadn’t previously acknowledged, while breastfeeding. Even that was empowering in a way, because I discovered I could internally attend to my own emotional needs by noticing and experiencing the horror, grief and fear that triggered, while also externally meeting my child’s emotional and physical needs, without contaminating my beautiful baby with the horror of those memories. It’s MY body, and MY choice to use it however I see fit. I choose to use it to nurture my babies, and that feels great. I commend breastfeeding (with the right support from family, friends and community) as an excellent tool in the healing process.
Thank you, I can relate to this. I have found breastfeeding (and birth) a very empowering experience – taking back my body. My breasts were a trigger and I was so worried before I had my first child but the sensation was physically different to the abuse which helped a great deal. It was still upsetting sometimes, having such awful memories pop into my head during what should have been lovely, bonding moments between mother and baby but every time it happened I told myself “no, you are a different person now. You are a mother and you are doing something amazing for this child”.
For years I found it difficult to let my husband touch my breasts but feeding my first child effectively ‘cured’ me of that.
When I see the argument “what about women who’ve been abused?” it makes me want to scream just that; “what about them?!”. I am one of them and I am proud and honoured to be breastfeeding.
What a great blog! I am sure there are many woman who have dealt with similar situations who will greatly appreciate your courage to talk about this and share your story. It is so great to hear that despite your tragic experience you were still able to have one of the most rewarding experiences motherhood has to offer. Congratulations!
Thank-you for your so sensitively sharing your moving life experiences. Your messages about non-judgemental relationships, empathy and healing are so valuable to all of us , as professionals and friends. You have certainly modelled all of the compassion and love a mother can show to her little one. You leave a powerful legacy for us all to grow by.
I am very grateful for this blog. I have to say that it was a huge eye opener. I understand so much more what some of the often uarticulated barriers might be for women who seem unwilling to try to breastfeed- and I have much more compassion for them.
Thank you for this heart warming, encouraging story. I am a Lactation Consultant in a small communitee and ask moms why they chose not to breastfeed so I can give them the support they need. It is wonderfull to hear peoples stories of success to encourage others who may feel alone, isolated and trapped in their memories, so they know it can be done and breastfeeding their young can actually be healing.
I, too, am a survivor of childhood sexual abuse. I have been nursing my daughter for almost 17 months and we are still going strong. The fact of the matter is that one in three women have been victimized at some point in their lives. The number is alarming, but unfortunately it is not an exaggeration. Thank you for your post. If past sexual abuse can be considered a booby trap, then we need to find a way to address it so that more women can choose to confidently nurse their babies.
Thank you so much for sharing. I can relate to this. I see your triumph as overcoming and defeating the horrifying actions of the person who tried to steal from you.